Selective Numbing / Selective Grief

Can ‘selective numbing’ become a more expansive thread in your life? Can numbing eventually permeate your entire life if that is your main coping tool?

If we fail to deal with sadness from a trauma or tragedy, can we compartmentalize it? Will we bury it deep into a black box in our brain? Can we simply move on and avoid dealing with an incident we'd prefer to forget, in order to avoid sadness, disappointment or added stress?

This is a coping mechanism I see often as a criminologist. Most of us will do anything to avoid walking through what I call 'the valley of mud’. We have two choices and either one is a process. One is to walk the walk and the other is to simply ignore the situation. When we ignore this journey through the mud, we often convince ourselves; we can just 'get over this'. We tell ourselves to ‘suck it up’ and put one foot in front of the other, we will be fine. Ultimately, for some, medication is an option instead of processing the grief and sadness. Many walk around with increased anger. Most are unaware they are starting to act numb throughout their life. Most people are ill equipped to know what to do in the face of trauma or tragedy. As a culture, this is something we seldom talk about. For some, it is alcohol to combat this uncomfortable feeling. For others, it is food. All the while we tell ourselves, we are fine. We come to believe that and start the process of disconnecting from various aspects of life.

Challenging events accumulate. Often we choose to leave them locked up in our black box. If we continue on this road, we automatically believe it is better for us if we just stop talking about it. We develop a fear of stirring up old feelings. We prefer not to live in a world of uncomfortable. So everything stays quiet and we maintain numbness. It is a survival tool.

We maintain at work. Initially, we appear a little more quiet to those we know. Then, we become a little more quiet at home.

It is a tool that remains copacetic until another event layers the first. We feel like we can manage with the next situation because this is how we dealt previously. Numbing cannot be layered. It is cumulative. The more we stack numbing, the less we are able to be selective, less able to modulate which situation we act with numbness and which ones we don't. One day, we get to a place we can’t tell the difference. This leads to operating in a place of either “I don’t care” or just surviving. Both lack emotional attunement.

I am frequently asked what is a lack of emotional attunement? It is all around us. Perhaps we just don’t know what it is called. For example, “I have no idea what is going on in the world” or “This is an egregious tale. It is not really happening.” Many will tell you know they have no idea what is going on in the world around them and they prefer it that way. I see a lack of attunement in families as well. Loving, well intentioned family members often have no idea what is going on with their children even though they are looking right at them. Sometimes, parents are exhausted from the incredible demands of day to day life. They are physically in their space, yet not present. They may not be engaged in conversations of substance or depth. Another example, a parent may not go into their child’s room much, nor do they have any understanding of what their child is involved with on social media. The child is involved with such overwhelming images and conversations online, the child or teen soon becomes numb as well.

Becoming numb starts slowly and progresses over time. Until one day when there is just little engagement anymore. The longer this goes on, the thicker this cloud becomes, and the more difficult it is to pierce through it. Who am I talking about? All of us! We are all spinning in chaos right now and it is very easy to become numb because we are all so exhausted.

For you final consideration: Think of numbing much like you think of grief. With grief there is great sadness that permeates a life for a long, long time. Eventually, there is some sense of closure or reconciling in the circle of grief. Conversely, when we numb, we do not pay attention to ourselves or how to process. We dismiss it. We do not close the circle because we don't allow ourselves to acknowledge the circle.

In conclusion, I would like to invite 'everyone' who has a child or an adolescent in your life to take the time to watch the new Netflix Series "Adolescence". Watch it as a family, watch it with colleagues. I will discuss this series next month, as it is closely aligned to cases I have worked as a criminologist.